Just the facts

Plain and simple.
and... honest.

I am realizing I don't like change.

I have changed this past year at college.

I miss being around people that want community.

I miss being around people that want to have fun.

I miss being seconds away from everyone.I miss laughing.

I miss one specific night including a walk, pretending to be like ninjas across a church campus, then sitting looking at the view from ccv and talking about the randomist ishhh ever.

I miss those two.

I hate that I'm not as positive and optomistic as I used to be.

I'm learning that everytime I feel wise in any area I get a slap in the face to realize that I still don't know anything.

I hate coming back to Colorado and having one of my "closest friends" hating me because I didn't keep in touch good enough.

I hate having to leave a church (that is very well established and doesn't necessarily need my help), even though its not where I'm supposed to be for one that the people are awesome but everything else is going to take work.

I can't stand that I have a hard time with wanting to not have to work at church even though thats what I am going to college for.

I hate that I am one of very few that actually left California for the summer.

I miss family dinners.

I miss bike rides.

I miss being part of a group of friends.

I don't like my new phone.

I don't like that I don't have many numbers.

I'm still not sure if I like being this honest for whoever.

I miss my friends.

I want to be somewhere doing something.

I'm nervous that I won't get a 2.0.

I have an awesome family.

I want a pair of toms already.

I want to learn from my mistakes.

I hate that i'm missing out.

I am blessed to be able to work with my dad.

I know I am going to learn a lot this summer.

I know things are not only going to just be okay but they really are going to work out for good.

I miss being comfortable.

I miss being mentored.

I miss coffee house.

I cried from reading a friends post.

It hasn't even been a week.

I miss learning.

I am so blessed with the close friends that I do still have from home.

I wish I was better with confrontation.

I'm nervous for the coffee date with the girl that is pretty much set on our friendship being over.





I spend too much time thinking about my own problems, my own wishes, my own thoughts, my own dreams, my own goals.

Party vs. Sweats

Sitting here.
Beautiful San Diego.
So Blessed.

Staying with my brother and sister-in-law here in San Diego we are in the nicest apartments I've ever seen. Across the street form Chargers stadium, the pool and hot tub look out over this part of San Diego.
Pretty much... Its sick!

But I noticed something new tonight. Three students of SDSU or USD live across the hall. And tonight they are having a party. I'm usually not up this late when I come here as a result of falling asleep during a movie or something. But tonight I was determined to finish a homework assignment. Its past midnight and I'm reading through Matthew and I keep getting startled by the door slamming across the hallway and people talking and laughing.

And now I have a pit in my stomach.
And I'm not positive why.

Part of it is undoubtedly conviction after reading through Matthew.
Part of it the homework I still have to do.

But the rest started after hearing this party. I went to my car for a moment and heard a bunch of noise coming from their garage and of course they have a table set up for beer pong. And it hit me. A year ago I was still apart of that mess. Its only been a little over a year since I last drank.

surprise. here's my honesty.

I started flashing back. And yeah I had a a lot of fun sometimes. But it just makes me sick to think about it or to smell the "party smell"(beer and smoke mix). A year ago I was still driving over an hour up to Fort Collins which is where CSU is. The biggest party school in Colorado to go to my friends parties. I never drank at them, I was always driver, but it was gross. The entire thing.

I feel like an old lady even now sitting here in my sweats writing and hearing this party noise.

The CSU parties were always fun, and even the ones in my hometown were. I had become friends with all the "pretty people". Had all the best pictures. But sitting her now I'm already seeing the incredible things that I didn't have in that time.

I didn't even party that much. As far as drinking at the parties. I was off and on. And it was dumb. I hated it everytime I drank. It took way too much for me to even get buzzed and especially being sick I wasn't about to over drink.

Realization:
I never used to go home lay in bed and take one single deep breath in and then have nothing else to do but thank God for the incredible night I had. Getting to be around incredible people that have so much wisdom, freaking hilarious, and just plain fun. And realize that it was one of the best nights I've ever had. This happens to me almost every night. Sometimes I can't even wait till I get to bed to start thanking God. I have to stop and just take it all in about how amazing the moment is.

I never had the self confidence that I thought I had. Summer before Junior year I really thought I had truely gotten a solid self esteem. There was about a month that I didn't like anyone and I felt independent and it was great. My parents raised me to be like that anyway. My mom every morning when I was little would put my infront of my mirror after she got me ready and said, "Okay, you're pretty on the outside. Are you pretty on the inside?" Cheesy? For a little girl. no. Looking back, I still wanted the boys to notice me. And the self esteem was definitely based on what people were thinking. I wanted a flat stomach, Tighter jeans, the perfect hair and clothes. I never felt like people wanted to hang around me because I wasn't I pretty girl, this was less than a year ago I still felt like this. But I can say today that I know God sees me as beautiful and I rest in that. Before I was never really looked at, at parties because I was wearing clothes that covered me and I was sober. So I met people as the fun Christian one. But I was still basing my self image on how people looked at me. I got my first kiss, second, third, and fourth all while I was drinking. And after those times I felt better about myself. But it fades when I'd go to another party sober. But right now I can honestly say, I have confidence in myself and I know that I am beautiful in the way God made me. I still am a teenage girl and I'm not perfect so pretty recently it got shaken up a bit but I still came right back to the fact that I am me, and I am perfect for someone out there.

I never had Don't take this the wrong way in that I miss partying or anything. Being drunk was a good feeling and fun, kissing was good and fun, looking at pictures and having those memories was fun, but empty and cliche as it sounds. It is truely a joy to be sitting here, even though I'm convicted for sure, with my bible instead of being at that party or having any part of that anymore. I have the best friends I could ever ask for, along with the best memories ever!


I'd take a night at an apartment with all my friends cooking steak, asparagus, and potatoes, and the sickest pazookie ever, Getting comfy, watching the Office with the guys and girls that are more amazing than I could ever imagine.

over

A Party

.anyday.